With some recent changes in my life I decided to go home for Thanksgiving and spend time with my family. For an analogy I had found myself trapped in an underground maze. How did I get there? I was on this wonderful adventure with many great times, a few months ago my friend in the adventure and I got separated and it took awhile to find our way back, but we did. Then another month of the adventure there was a crossroads leading to two different paths/endings. We both could see God saying this path is for you, and this one for you, yet I didn't want to fully believe it was true. The two separate paths are still close to each other for awhile, with many frequent stopping points, but eventually they will divert farther, according to the piece of the map we currently have. I was strong and brave when we decided to take different paths, but then when I was left alone on mine…I didn't want to believe what had happened and was trying to process that I forgot to look towards God for direction and fell down a hole into an underground maze that I felt I couldn't get out of. Just call me "The Maze Runner" lol.
I 'm traveling through this maze and felt lost and that I'd be stuck in there forever. I knew going into the adventure I could end up anywhere, even in places I didn't see going, but being smart you travel prepared. I wanted to find my way back out of the maze, and stay on the same path for awhile until it diverts, or maybe it doesn't really divert? Maybe we were looking at the map wrong and it doesn't lead to a diversion. I didn't understand how this adventure would lead here, when there has been many wonderful times in the adventures and breakthrough, and different forms of growth to make us stronger for the journey. It didn't make sense to me. I felt like I was finally fearless about the future and more ready for the adventure and then the paths split. I had so many why questions…why did I finally have so much confidence? Why would God answer this one prayer that we'd been praying for? Why? Why? Why?
I wanted to fix where the path split, go back and change the direction, but no matter what I tried, I couldn't change it- or even get out of the maze for that matter, I was trying to navigate a maze in the dark. I also didn't like how I felt, when I wanted to take matter's into my own hands because I felt full of anger, I detested what was happening. Here's another quick analogy [ I've been watching Once Upon A Time on Netflix, and felt like my pure heart (meaning a heart of love and kindness) was becoming darkened by anger etc.] I didn't like feeling that way, but I was stubborn and wanted to make my own way, and didn't want to admit what I knew to be true- that God had answered a specific prayer. If ______ wasn't meant to be/ path I should be on right now ________ would happen. Well it happened. I didn't want to admit it because I was being prideful and wanted my own way, and to be in charge. Just because I went on this journey prepared didn't mean I remembered the materials I had with me. I did however have communication ... I heard it helps to communicate. So, I gave it a go.
It felt good to talk to family and friends who would remind me God has a plan for me, better than I can ever think. It may seem like I’ve fallen through a black hole, but God’s plan is far greater than whatever I could have planned for myself. I’d say ok, listen to worship music, and say the right things, but I still wanted my way so I was conflicted with what I knew was right and how I was feeling and what I wanted. My friends and family would remind me of the supplies I had, but I didn’t want to fully use them, because I knew that would mean I had to give up control and surrender. You could say I had gotten a clue, my friend appeared through a portal, we decided that our paths had split but we would remain good friends. I talked and said, that I knew I needed to surrender my future to God, and I felt like a hypocrite because I was having a hard time with this and a hard time taking my own advise. I’ve realized that there are times when you do follow your advice and advice from others and other times, when you are being stubborn, even though you know you should. He dropped me off to where I would be transported in my maze. It was weird because even though I was in a maze, which felt in the dark, I could see and interact in the world.
I was at my place of transport real early and had a lot of time to pray and think. I sat diagonal from where I was supposed to leave as there was an open seat and as time went by, my transport got delayed, not once, not twice…but three times. I was frustrated because I wanted to get home and to the Thanksgiving Eve service at my church…but then I saw a time change, and it said the transportation was leaving in 5 min. I hadn't heard a thing over the intercom, and the person at the gate said I was to late and missed the transport. With the last few weeks that was my tipping point and I couldn't stop the waterworks. A nice passenger at another gate came and asked what was wrong and led me to another gate, where I was able to catch another transport (flight) a few hours later. While I was going to my gate I was crying the whole way and wondering if God was trying to get my attention through all of this, so I prayed saying I'm sorry for not just giving it all to You, and help me do that, I want to do Your will and follow you, and I don't want to be stubborn and etc. This whole day as well as the day before I had the song "I surrender all" stuck in my head- as if it was God saying, Jess…Surrender! I got to my gate and sat where I wouldn't miss it. My dad encouraged me to take a look at Hebrews 11 and I started to take a look at it, but by the time I got to it, it was soon time to board the plane :- So I didn't get really far into, but what I had read was encouraging and I could tell it was helping to make me stronger. On the plane, I had decided to finally take out "Love Does" by Bob Goff. I'd been wanting to read it for a long time, I was going to read "Unbroken" but wanted something not so intense for my current situation…Love Does was intense in an overwhelmingly loving way and I read it through my break and am very inspired by it, and it helped me realize something---which is for another blogpost in the near future. I feel like it was a long surrendering process, but it slowly happened.
p.s. I forgot to mention…when I got to Minneapolis, my mom picked me up and had a flat tire, but we got home nice and safe =)
My time at home was full of love from my family, drawing closer to God and learning about His love, praying, trusting, hours of Scattergories and Heads Up!, a few movies, and some delicious meals. It was just what I needed and God knew I needed that time (pics below). I was could see the light at the end of the tunnel of the maze, and I'm getting closer to the end of the tunnel each and every day. I was so much more rejuvenated and ready to take on the future. I came back and it started out great, but as the week went by it got harder. Friday I once again surrounded myself with family and before I went to my aunt's, my parents prayed with me over the phone and it was very good, and there was something they said that meant a lot and now of course I can't remember it. Last night I made a new workout playlist called "Stronger." The funny thing is the name came from when I was running earlier this week and yes, "Stronger" by Britney Spears came on and I was like…oddly I needed that, so I wanted to make a work-out playlist of encouraging songs, for what I'm going through now, or any other times in the future where life gets hard.
What I’m trying to say is, there are going to be hard days and good days, and healing takes time and we do want to be good friends, but know that to truly do that we may need some space as well. I’m excited for the future and to see what God has in store for both of us.
For my maze I'm going through it now using the materials I have for the hard times in life which is God, my Bible, Christian music, Christian books, family, friends, prayer and anything that God has for us. I know there will be good days and bad, as it takes time to heal. My dad gave me the analogy of a bandaid. You want the wound to heal and not to rip the bandaid off before you should, and it needs to be peeled off slowly, so it may take a little time, but I have faith that this is a good learning lesson for both of us, and we're both seeking God's guidance with His plan for our lives and that we'll have a good friendships. As for my heart the blackness is leaving and it's all nice and red. I did however wake up this morning and say a prayer, just giving my day to God and asking Him for guidance and that I will follow Him. I feel like I've known to do that but haven't really done that before. I've woken up and said that You for this day, but I'm trying to focus on giving each day to Him because my life is not about me, it's about Him!
Challenge: No matter where you are or what time of the day you are reading this, I challenge you to give this day to God, and everyday here after. It's a goal I have as well, knowing me, I say I'm going to do things and sometimes will forget and be sporadic. I don't want to be sporadic and not do it, but I need to be honest, so if I forget here and there, I don't feel like a hypocrite. My challenge is to wake up and give each day to the Lord, even if you forget in the morning, when you remember give whatever is left of your day to the Lord!
* Maybe make yourself a reminder until it becomes a habit.
You can surrender to God, but being a human, I can say I've surrendered, but then realize I need to do it continually. We need to surrender our each and every day to Him. As Luke 9:23 says, " Then He said to them, ' Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow Me.'" Christ calls us into daily surrender to Him!
God Bless,
Jessica Lynn
Here are a few songs that have been playing in my head the last little bit
Give it all to You - Yellow Cavalier (aka Anthem Lights) https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/give-it-all-to-you-radio-edit/id314448423?i=314448479
I surrender all- Jump 5
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/i-surrender-all/id716156398?i=716157584
Moriah Peters - Brave Album (whole album)
You Carry Me - has been an anthem for the last few months
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/brave/id896797026
Oceans (Where my feet may fail)
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/oceans-where-feet-may-fail/id720105570?i=720106050
Central Moments - my church's worship album
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/moments/id942616836
Below: Moms view of table #photographer #sparklingjuice #hatsgiving haha
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